In the last few months, I've grown increasingly more interested in whole health living. As I've shared before, I'm buying organic and/or locally grown food, and that's been a great start. Little by little, I've been trying to become a family that buys and consumes responsibly. 

After choosing to buy and eat organic and local foods, I started going through my home to try to make a list of all the chemicals we are using so I could begin swapping them out for healthier, all-natural, eco-friendly products instead. Have you ever taken a chemical inventory of your home? You might be surprised at what you find and all the chemicals you are using. 

• glass cleaner
• stain remover
• countertop & surface cleaners
• air fresheners
• hand soap
• dishwashing soaps & detergents
• toilet cleaner

And think about all the personal and beauty products you use on a daily basis! Chemicals you're putting on your scalp, your eyes, your lips...

• shampoo & conditioner
• face wash & makeup remover
• lotions and soaps
• makeup - lipstick, eyeliner, mascara, etc...
• feminine hygiene products

It becomes a little overwhelming to take in! It's harmful to you, to your pets, to your environment... it's just bad!

After the overwhelming part, I realized I needed to do something about this. I needed to understand what solutions were available to me and what I could actually afford. After all, we're on a budget, and what I've always seen and assumed and read is that these kind of changes are expensive! Thankfully, after a few Internet searches and asking around, I've found a couple resources I thought I'd pass on. 

1. The Honest Company

This has been a fun experiment. First of all, Jessica Alba is one of the founders. (That's pretty cool, but celebrity endorsements don't do too much for me.) Second, the offer a free trial. (Now we're talking!) And third, there's no commitment. You can buy in bundles depending on your needs and set up a recurring shipment, too. That makes it really easy! Best of all, all of the products 100% plant-based and sustainably-sourced. They're not the cheapest option and I don't like their shampoo very much, but I feel good buying from the Honest Company. 

2. ePantry

You guys. This is the ultimate solution. Choose products based on your needs from multiple eco-friendly brands, set up monthly shipments (where it even guesses what your low on and suggests what you may need!), and use their super user-friendly app to manage what gets sent out when. The prices are affordable and almost all of my chemicals I was using have now been swapped out with ePantry items. (ALSO! PSA! IF YOU USE THIS LINK, YOU GET A $10 CREDIT! WOO!)

3. Green Polka Dot Box

I've talked about them before in regards to food products, pet products, and also paper products, but they also have a personal care section and a home section where you can purchase everything from plant seeds to lip balm, from essential oils to to air freshener. This is one more really great solution. If I ever forget anything in my ePantry shipment, it's easy to throw in some personal care goodies with my snack order and dog treats!

The moral of this story is... Going green is not as hard as it may seem. It's taken some trial and error, and it's been easiest to slowly swap out more and more, but I feel happier, safer, cleaner, and all around better about my conscious and eco-friendly shopping decisions I've made for my family! 

Well, dear friends. It's about time we take a moment to talk about Major Depressive Disorder and severe anxiety.

I don't know how to start this conversation and I don't exactly know what to say, but speaking up is good. It's healthy, helpful, and necessary.

Just five short weeks from my sixth birthday, my father took his own life. From that day forward, I've struggled with depression. Some seasons have been worse than others; most not unbearable. For some stretches of time, this depression and anxiety have been quite controllable and able to conceal or rationalize. In high school, it hit really hard a couple times. In college, I did pretty good to keep in under control, even during traumatic or stressful periods. But at some point, in the middle of college, it finally all exploded again. After a summer of counseling, that was incredibly healing and helpful, I began my last year of college with hope. Almost immediately, Robby was re-introduced into my life, and I was swept up into a fairy tale.

My sweet Robby came busting into my life and brought all the love and hope and joy possible, putting to bed again my feelings of depression and loneliness and anxiousness and sadness. I believed for the umpteenth time that I had been healed from depression, freed from the need of medication, and powerful enough (with Christ, of course) to conquer it if it was to make another grand entrance into my life.

I was wrong.

Once Robby's dad went into the hospital, once we lived for 6 weeks in the ICU, once I started failing my college courses, once my father-in-law passed away, once I mourned 15 years of being without a father, then I entered into a summer taking my last two college classes, planning a wedding, working a job, and getting ready to graduate, move to a new city, leave my job, leave my church, leave my home, and become a wife. In three short months, my life turned upside down and my depression "came back" with a vengeance.

I was originally diagnosed with Dysthemia and prescribed Lexapro. But I got worse and I got worse. Two weeks before my wedding and graduation, I experienced a severe depressive episode, where I posed a threat to myself. I had to leave my job early, move back in with my mom, and had to finish school/planning my wedding as an embarrassed/anxious/depressed 21 year old living back at home again. Not exactly the way I hoped to begin my life as a new adult...

I visited my doctor again and was taken off of Lexapro. In it's place came Zoloft and Wellbutrin.

Overnight, I felt better.

I woke up the day after my worst episode yet and I felt better than I have felt in years. I successfully navigated through my final two weeks of college, I planned my dream wedding, I walked across a stage and down an aisle the next day. I flew off to Paris with my new husband and enjoyed a magical 10 days with the love of my life (aside from the mono).

However, once we got back, I gradually started to decline again. About a month or two into our marriage, my doctor had me double my Zoloft intake. At my followup visit, I felt the same, no better. I asked if she had any Psychiatric recommendations, so I could get the expert opinion of a specialist.

I fought it and I put it off and I just "knew" it would get better.

But it hasn't. If anything, it's gotten worse.

I am fighting off strong self-harming inclinations, I am reacting aggressively when I become agitated, I bawl my eyes out as if a close family has passed away even when nothing is going wrong. Last night, whilst trying to get ready for my dear friend's surprise birthday party, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably on the closet floor. I throw fits! Like a child!

I went to the psychiatrist on Friday. It's confirmed. Reagan Nash is suffering from a severe anxiety disorder as well as a severe case of MDD. I'm on a couple new medications, I'm set to start another round of counseling, and I have a follow up appointment in two weeks.

It's weird. It's hard. It's embarrassing. It's something I feel guilty over. It's something I don't understand and I don't know how to deal with half the time. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it, how I'm supposed to treat it, how I'm supposed to talk about it.

But it's a part of me. It's a huge part of who I am. This depression, this broken brain - I carry it within me.

I know it doesn't rule me. I'm not its slave and it's not my master. But I'm wrong to treat it as if it doesn't exist. If I ignore it, I'm being ignorant, and most likely putting myself in danger. I know God is capable of healing my brain, but I also know that He is still good and just if He chooses not to. Maybe depression/anxiety is the "thorn in my side" that I get to live with and struggle through.

But I will struggle through.

This will not defeat me.

I will not let this thorn be manipulated by the enemy. Satan will not take my life.

I am weak. But God is strong.

If you see me, have grace with me. I'm trying to learn how to have grace with myself. I'm learning to have grace with you. I'm learning what grace even means.

That's my word for this year. Grace.

*This post originally appeared on my former blog, Nothing But Nash, on January 25, 2015 and has been republished here to bring all of my thoughts into on consolidated place.

A few months ago, I was sitting in my little apartment as a newlywed and a brand new homemaker and I was deeply contemplating the role of a homemaker. I've really tried to take seriously the role of managing the house, because I think it's a big responsibility. According to Proverbs 31:27, a godly wife “looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” Some of my job description includes: creating a happy, healthy, warm and safe environment, providing good meals to nourish my family well, keeping errands, appointments, bills, and paperwork organized, among many other things. 

Thinking about nourishing my family well tripped me up a bit, though. I've got the cleaning and the decorating down. I love budgeting and coupon-ing and scoring good deals. I'm the keeper of the calendar and the source of schedules. I'm good at keeping the fridge stocked and making meals... But I started thinking about the quality of those meals. And I started to have a mental conversation with myself:

"What am I actually putting into my body right now? Have I ever stopped to think about what I am actually eating? Is this hurting me more than it is helping me? What are these crazy looking chemical names on the list of ingredients here? Has watching Food Inc. and Supersize Me not taught me anything?! Okay. We need to eat healthier... But how the HECK can I do that on our budget?" 

It felt a little hopeless, I must confess. But my desire to eat better and nourish my family well was worth some trial and error, some financial sacrifices, and some grace. We're now over a year into marriage and I have a few tools in my toolbox I'd like to share with y'all. 

1. The local farmer's market 

If you've never visited a local farmer's market... holy cow, you're missing out. I'm privileged to live in Dallas, where we have an excellent and abundant source of locally sourced, organically grown foods. When I visit, I just take a reusable grocery bag or two and some cash, try to get there early to have the best picking, and start wandering around. The farmers sell their food right there, and they sure are proud. They want to get their food into your hands, even if that means handing out generous samples and bartering a bit. I've scored all kinds of delicious goodies here. And not just produce! This is where I buy meat and eggs, pies and bread, even green tea, honey, herbs, and guacamole! There are farmers and artisans alike who have a lot of good to give. You've just got to get up and get out there.

2. Artizone 

Artizone has saved my life. Okay, maybe that's a little dramatic, but if anything, it's sure changed my life! Artizone caters to two areas of the United Sates right now - Dallas and Chicago. They are a grocery  delivery service that works with local farmers and local artisans to provide healthy, local, organic food at a TOTALLY REASONABLE cost (definitely comparable to your local grocery store) and a tiny delivery fee. (Seriously, I think it only costs me $6 to get my groceries delivered to my kitchen!!!) The food they offer is not just random, obscure choices. It's like an online grocery store with all of the essentials along with some specialty items. Artizone gives me no excuse. I can nourish my family organically. (ALSO HEADS UP - USE THE PROMO CODE "REAGAN BAKED COOKIES" AND GET 10% OFF YOUR FIRST ORDER!) 

3. Green Polka Dot Box 

Green Polka Dot Box is also a great resource! They can't deliver cold or refrigerated foods to me (my shipping address is too far), but they have a great selection of healthy and organic snacks, canned goods, DOG FOOD (your pup really shouldn't be fed chemicals, either), and a ton of other staples. When I can't find what I'm looking for through Artizone, GPDB has it. What I've really utilized this service for is swapping out Robby's snacks for healthier options. Cheezits? Beef Jerky? Candy? They've got healthier, organic, all-natural options. And with GPDB, these items get mailed straight to you.

4. Urban Acres

Urban Acres is a service solely serving the Dallas area, but I have to mention it anyway. This group of incredible people that has created a co-op style produce pickup (plus they have coffee, eggs, meat, and the most delicious granola I've ever eaten). 50 local farms work together to bring together more that 1,500 pounds of produce together every week and disperse it amongst the community by creating pick-up stations. You don't live 5 minutes from the Dallas Farmer's Market like me? I bet you live near one of their 17 Dallas-area locations? Again, there's no excuse!

Let me also mention one more thing. Maybe you got through this whole post and thought, "Okay, but what's the big deal about 'organic' stuff anyway?" I should mention real quick what that means. Organic produce contains fewer pesticides, organic food is often fresher (aka it tastes better), organic farming is better for the environment, organically raised animals are NOT given antibiotics, growth hormones, or fed animal byproducts, and organic food is GMO-free.

Nourishing yourself and your family organically is worth it. And it doesn't have to be hard or costly. If I can do it, you can, too!

After a year working as a communication consultant at Call Box (an awesome software company in downtown Dallas) I've finally returned to my career as a homemaker!

Call me an anti-feminist (actually don't, let's have that conversation another day), but I love being in the home. I love being busy cooking and cleaning and sewing and baking and fixing and growing and organizing and all of it! I love being home to care for my puppy, having dinner ready for Robby when he comes home, and having the laundry and dishes cleaned and put away. I also love the freedom I have to plan out my day and to do what I think is best for me and for my family. 

As much as I love working, I struggled to find a good work/life balance. When Robby was sick, I wanted to stay home and take care of him. When a family crisis was occurring, I wanted to go and help. When my house was a complete wreck, I felt guilty leaving it for another day. I feel called to manage my home well and I was not good at keeping up with that and my work responsibilities. I just couldn't do both with complete excellence.

It's only day 2 of being a homemaker again, but in the time I've been home, I've been able to make two delicious dinners, go for a jog, reorganize my kitchen, do some laundry, practice some yoga, wash the dishes, make a killer sopapilla cheesecake, vacuum the house, clean out my fridge, play with my puppy, and spend some quality time with my husband.

Perhaps most importantly, I've written out a list of goals I'd like to work on: 

• I will create a joyful home for my family to live in
• I will pursue a healthy lifestyle - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually
• I will practice hospitality - inviting guests over at least twice a month
• I will continue to revaluate and minimize our possessions
• I will make time to exercise creativity every day
• I will rest responsibly and biblically, not by leaning into laziness

This is what I'm working on today. This is what I'm pursuing. And boy, am I excited!