Surrender
I am a 24-year-old divorcée.
As a Christian woman, divorce was never on the table for me. Never in my life did I ever think I would be divorced. I thought that if my marriage ended, it would be death that made us part. I planned and prepared for death - death from old age, from military action, from unexpected sickness. Never did I think to prepare my heart for divorce.
I was faithfully committed to loving my husband for my whole life. I made vows to God and my husband in front of all of my family and friends. I promised to hold up my end of the deal. And I upheld those vows.
The man I married, tragically, did not.
The man I married revealed on our one year marriage anniversary that he had been concealing a serious addiction to pornography for the entirety of our relationship. Through that, I fought.
The man I married lied continuously, hid constantly, and attempted to cover up his tracks. Through that, I fought.
The man I married refused to seek or receive help for his sexual sins and struggles. Through that, I fought.
The man I married repeatedly and unapologetically took sex from me that I did not consent to or want. Even through that, I fought.
The man I married sought out another relationship with another woman, becoming emotionally and sexually intimate with her. With that, I surrendered.
The man I married chose himself over me. He chose his own will and fulfilled his own sexual desires. He chose himself. He also chose someone else. He hurt me over and over and over and over and over again without making any significant efforts to repent or change. For two years, I fought tirelessly for change, for love, and for my marriage. But all of my efforts to save my own marriage were fruitless. The fighting was one-sided. The fighting was met with complacency, denial, and anger.
So I filed for divorce.
I filed for divorce from a man who destroyed me with his addiction, abuse, and adultery. I filed for divorce from a good man who is deeply confused and entrenched in his own sin. I filed for divorce and I sought healing.
I know God hates divorce. (So do I, for the record.) But I also know God hates addiction, abuse, and adultery. I trust God loves me more than the institution of marriage. I believe He gave me the grace to seek freedom from a relationship that was literally, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually killing me.
I know (for the most part) that I do not need to defend my own actions. I know I don’t need to justify myself and I know I do not owe anyone an explanation for why I chose to divorce this man.
But for the sake of honesty, openness, and transparency - I would like to begin a dialogue. Just like I did with the “Me, Too” post, I would like to open up and create a conversation for any others walking through a similar season. I also want to tell my side of the story and have control over my own narrative. This summer held for me the single most difficult and most tragic season of my entire life. I have been battling so many feelings of hurt, of loss, or brokenness, of shame. I know I am not alone in that.
So if you feel like I have felt, I want you to know you are loved. If you trudging through tragedy, I am right there with you. If you need any prayer or encouragement, please reach out. And if I can request one thing from you all, please have grace with me. I am navigating this as best as I can. There is no guidebook to divorce. It is messy and controversial and painful and sad. It is not what I wanted for my life or love or marriage.
But it happened. Half a year has passed since I came back home. It's real and it is a part of me now. Divorce is a part of my story. And I do not want to be kept silent (especially by my fear of the opinions of Christians) about something that affects so many of us in so many ways.
I am devastated. But today I feel strong.
A note - I know many of you reading this may know my ex-husband personally. Please know my heart is free from any hate or malice toward him. My writing this is not to attack him in any way, but to process through my own story, my own experiences, and my own pain. Again, any grace you can extend to me would be much appreciated.