Tired as a Mother

Life these days looks a lot different in our house.

It’s a lot louder, a lot messier, and a lot sleepier. The cries of an infant, the spit up, the leaking breasts, the the diaper changes... there are a LOT of new challenges, changes, and adjustments to face.

It has been more difficult than I expected.

But then there are moments like this.

There are these sweet and cuddly and quiet moments. These moments where I can smell my daughter’s sweet head and hear her little snores in my ear. These moments where I can feel her cheek pressed against me and her hand grasping my chest.

These moments are the ones that fill my heart with all the good things I need to keep pushing on. Through the pain in my abdomen. Through the extreme exhaustion. Through the blood I’m still losing. Through my own desperate cries for her to just fall asleep.

This is a new kind of sweetness and a new kind of love.

I’m amazed at God’s design of motherhood. I’m amazed at His strength despite my overwhelming weakness. I am thankful for this gift He has given me. I am thankful to be a mama to this precious girl. (And I’m extra thankful to have such an incredible partner to do this parenting thing with!) 

Coming in December...

If you wondered at all why I’ve been MIA for a couple of weeks... I’ve been trying to get through this first trimester!

After being told there was a 99% chance I wouldn’t be able to have biological children of my own, God surprised us with the craziest blessing and sweetest miracle.

Baby Edwards coming December 2019!!!!

“For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him.” - 1 Samuel 1:27

Celebrate Every Tiny Victory

“Celebrate every tiny victory.” This phrase is something my clients hear from me A LOT. I am a big fan of celebrating victories and praising the Lamb!

Even small victories are worth celebration, in my opinion. For example, after a really gnarly depressive episode this weekend that really came to a head yesterday, I am up this morning. Sounds silly, but I’m celebrating it.

It’s 11am and I’ve straightened up the living room and kitchen that got neglected. I’ve had coffee and eaten breakfast. I’ve done the dishes and am on my second load of laundry. I just got out of the shower, I’m playing with my dog, and I’m celebrating, y’all.

All of those things sound like simple small tasks on my “to do” list. But being that yesterday, I couldn’t even get up out of bed to do these things, I’m celebrating that I’ve done them today. I’m also praying and preparing for the work I still have ahead of me and the clients I get to see this afternoon. And instead of feeling disqualified for this ministry, I am celebrating victories and embracing grace and rejoicing in the truth grace speaks over me.

Depression wants me to feel guilty that I got all the way to church yesterday morning, but couldn’t walk through the door.
Grace tells me it’s okay that yesterday, I took the day off.
Depression wants me to hate myself, wants to tell me I’m lazy, wants to tear down my self-esteem.
Grace tells me to rejoice in the extra rest I got by staying in bed all day.
Depression wants to convince me that I’m ruining my husbands life by being alive.
Grace tells me (through Micah himself) that I am loved and he is glad he married me.

The word “depression” that speaks these things over me? You can easily replace that word with “the enemy” or “my flesh”. And “grace”? The grace that speaks truth? Replace that word with “my Lord” or "my God” or one of the dozens of names for my grace-giving Creator.

Bad, dark, depression days — they happen. And those days suck! But God is good. Just because the bad days come — it doesn’t change who God is. It doesn’t change who He says I am. And PRAISE GOD, Y’ALL. Because today is a new day! His mercies are new every morning! And I am alive, I am up and moving, and I am pressing on.

Be blessed, my friends. Rest in grace. Push on to what’s next. Praise God in all things. And celebrate EVERY TINY victory.

The Story of 34:18

As I discussed in my last blog post, I have been asking God for years what this ministry to which He has called me will be called. I didn't want this ministry to be centered around me or my (ever-changing) name. I wanted it to be separate and specific and wholly His. There are these multiple dimensions and dynamics to this ministry that from a branding standpoint, need to be their own entity. And God, in His perfect wisdom and timing, has laid upon my heart the perfect name. 34:18.

Without a doubt, 34:18 is totally God's. It comes from my favorite verse in the world, which is nestled in my favorite chapter of the whole Bible - Psalm 34:18. It says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." This verse is the first verse I ever memorized as a child. It is the verse I have repeated to myself over and over to help pull me out of depressive spells and anxious spirals. It is a verse that came into the life of my family at a time where all hope seemed lost. It is precious to my mother, it is precious to me, and it is what inspires this ministry. 

God is close to us. Even when we are broken and we are in the throes of life, he is near. When our sins are splintering our hearts, he is near. When we feel like we have been crushed into a million pieces, he is near. But not only that! He doesn't just sit close to us and empathize with us and mourn what we mourn and collect our tears. He saves us. When our spirit is crushed and when all hope has been drained from our souls, He has the power and the desire to save us from that place. He is close to the brokenhearted. He saves those who are crushed in spirit. He is good and powerful and capable and loving and faithful - all in one verse. 

That is the inspiration behind this "rebranding" of sorts. That is the reason this ministry has finally been given a name. 34:18 encapsulates the beautiful and moving message of hope I desire to preach to the entire world.

My wish is that here at 34:18, you will feel a sense of warmth and safety. With great expectation, I desire that you will come to know God better, grow in your understanding of who he wants you to be, and find the wholeness of hope through our great Savior. My goal is that I will live my entire life on this mission - and that through these ministries of writing, speaking, blogging, coaching, counseling, etc - you will find the closeness and salvation that Psalm 34:18 describes. 

The Call to Ministry

For years, I have been praying for this ministry. For years, I have been actively asking God to prepare me, to guide me, to direct me. For years, I have been asking him what this ministry will be called. Just over a week ago, he answered - clear as day. 34:18.  

First, let me back up and explain this vision that has been growing and evolving for over a decade. When I was twelve years old, I made a to pursue ministry to young women. I was at the Dallas edition of The Revolve Tour, a conference for teenage girls to learn about and experience God. It was 2006 and I was listening to Jenna Lucado Bishop speak. I felt in my heart that God was calling me. In an excerpt of writing from March 28, 2012, I wrote, “Sitting in the audience, taking in the words of the speakers, the songs of the singers, and the skits of the actors, I realized that I was called to be up on that stage, too.”

That call, that tug on my heart, that whisper from the Holy Spirit, has been guiding me ever since. Every choice I have made since then has been guided by the decision to pursue the ministry I was called to as a twelve year old girl. To gain more stage experience, I pursued theatre in middle school and high school. To sharpen my speaking skills, I joined the high school speech team. To learn how to minister, I volunteered in my youth ministry, became a youth intern, and served on the staff of 3 other churches. I purposed in my heart to study communication and ministry so I could be further equipped to live out my calling. So at Dallas Baptist University, I earned a B.A. in Communication Theory and I minored in Christian ministry. I served as the captain of the DBU Drama Team that traveled all over North Texas to minister to and perform for youth ministries. I was hired to be a Resident Assistant in the dorms and mentored more than 60 young women over my three years there at DBU. Then, I went on to graduate school and earned an M.A. in Counseling. I became a Certified Christian Life Coach through the American Association of Christian Counselors and have been working to build my this ministry of writing for, speaking to, and coaching young women since then.

It’s been almost thirteen years since I first made the choice to pursue ministry. I have gone through seasons where I have begged God to let me start and instead He lead me into a time of preparation. I have gone through seasons when I asked, "Are you sure?" and he has affirmed my calling and built my confidence. I gave gone through seasons when I have wandered a bit to find the perimeters of my calling, testing the borders, and God has shown me how wonderfully non-conventional a life of ministry can look like. And here I am now, a 20something, coaching young women, subbing in the school system, consulting speech and debate teams, and sharing the gospel everywhere I am. He's shown me that it's all ministry. 

I am thrilled to be in such a place - an ever-changing, ever-growing, everything-but-cookie-cutter life of ministry. And I am overjoyed to have such a tremendous amount of love and support on this journey to reach the world. And I am humbled that God has finally given it a name - 34:18.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. // Psalm 34:18